why do all of my feelings become clear after i leave?

i dont even know what to type. i had all kinds of good things planned for this blog: some social commentary, some discussion of what constitutes anger and what a quarterlife crisis really is.


but the sad truth is that i have an overpowering sense of rage that is pent up inside of me. there is no way to let it out. none. and i think that is what is wrong with everything in the world. we are so suppressed and restricted. we have to worry about hurting the feelings of people we love, and people we dont love, and we need to make sure we dont do anything that will ruin people's good opinion of us, or change anyone's perspective of us. destruction of property is illegal. detruction of people is immoral and illegal. trowing things is frowned upon, i havnt screamed...actually yelled or screamed and raised my voice since middle school. hitting a tennis ball isnt very satisfying if you arent good at it.



there is no outlet for the rage and pent up emotion i am struggling with.


we have reached victorian england again. we are quakers. we are fucking pilgrims who burn people at the stake for feeling.



and i hate it.


even the word hate has no meaning now. i hate many things: onions, ignorant people, religious pamphlets, crying, my job. but saying that i hate them does not express fully how i feel. nothing can.


feelings are static. they change, but they cannot effect change.


thats why some kid beat her teacher, and two kids beat each other with hockey sticks. thats why so many people are killed daily. because god, or whatever else is responsible for this shit hole decided to eff with us and give us these feelings, but no way to contain, control, or outlet them.

and i am sick of it. perhaps i should give up on worrying about what people think, and hurting feelings. maybe i should stop letting myself feel shitty. perhaps i should look to hurt people. then i would be normal in the eyes of society.


i wish my mouth could open as wide as anatomically possible, but i have a restricting divice psychologically. damn morals and caring.