hello, blog

I'll skip the excuses for being a poor blogger and just get right to business....

1. The United States just elected its first black president, and I feel that I should at least say something about it, so bear with me:

I will not say who I voted for or what I believe, in an attempt to avoid random angry comments from people. I will say, however, that for the first time in a long while, I have hope. I am so tired of hearing how horrible our government is, and hearing that things need to change, and I am just happy to finally hear that change is coming. Even bad change is change, and anything that changes has a chance to make something better. I wish The future President all the best, and I hope that he may be numbered among the great in our History.

2. I have a job. after what seems like ages of joblessness and searching and interviewing, I have landed the perfect job as a Graphic Designer. I am so excited to have finally reached the point in life where I will no longer have to wait on tables or hold temporary jobs just to make money for gas. This job comes with an arsenal of fantastic benefits and perks, and I could not be happier.

3. Troy bought me a flickr pro account today. randomly. So that means that I have something to keep me occupied until I start my new job, and I will be scanning in my moleskine paintings. I also no longer have to delete pictures just to add more. so keep an eye out for flickr updates.

4. Troy and I have been re-thinking the marriage thing. I mean, the marriage is still on, its just the Wedding that is up in the air. There is alot to consider, but I think that, once we make the big decisions (venue, food, day) things will be fun, and much more easy. and, FYI, i do not want to hear wedding horror stories. I wont say that mine will be different, because I know it wont, but I refuse to allow fear to run my wedding.

Now, if I could just afford the dress I want. Believe it or not, it is part of the Disney's Princess collection. It is beautiful, but I am afraid of the price tag.

5. We have begun working on our future home. Its a complicated narrative, so I'll save it for a later day.

6. I have finished my first moleskine book. I'm addicted, and I'm glad. The motivation and creative outlet is good for me.

7. Maryland might get its first snow flurries this weekend. Not sure how I feel about it yet. I'm not really ready for it.

8. "If All Goes Wrong" just came out, and of course Troy bought it that day. If you are a Smashing Pumpkins fan, or just a fan of music and the artistic struggle behind good music, you should see the interview with Pete Townshend and the documentary. Genius. BIlly Corgan always has a way of taking my own personal beliefs and putting them into words.

9. The Pour House closed down. The Pour House is a local coffee shop in my town, and, while it was always packed with obnoxious teens and the prices were pretty high, it was still a local business beloved by the community. I spent the better part of my highschool and early college years there, and now I cannot believe it is gone. I have been going less and less in the past few years, but it felt good to know that the place would be there if ever I needed it. NOt to mention, now, that is one less local business. some person's savings and dreams, devoured by the economy. As much as I love starbucks coffee, I would rather see the local starbcks shut its doors, at least starbucks has a chance to come back. a local business, however, cannot just bounce back, it sucks up every resourse the owner has, and then thats it. I try my best to patronize local business as often as possible because they have more integrity and sincerity toward customers than a giant corporate chain. But, alas, the pour house is no more.

10. Gas is currently 1.97 in my home town. How crazy is that? I do not even know what else to say about it. lets just leave it at this: I hope it stays that way.

11. finally, a word about football: HURRAY RAVENS. lets just keep moving forward and I'll be happy.

thats it for now. good day to you, my random reader.

i feel like i am constantly catching up with my blog...

after years, literally like five years, of searching for my best friend that i lost contact with, I finally found her. thank the internet gods for myspace. i hate myspace, but i must admit that it has its uses every now and again. she called me tonight, and we spoke over the phone until my phone died and shut off!!! and it was just like old times! no strange awkwardness, no stuttering, no problems. awesome!

by the by, it is freezing cold in maryland today. and by freezing cold, i mean that in the middle of august i wore a hoodie at noon today and was still cold. fyi: maryland augusts are usually mid 90s to 100 degrees on average. it reached a high of 61 degrees near my house today. maybe al gore is right. the environment is angry at us. i would like to personally thank the environment for making the day so beautiful. a rare break in summer heat is always welcomed, though i must express my fear of the coming fall and winter...


in other news, I am planning a wedding reception. because my mother has religious views that are not quite my own, troy and I have decided in a not-yet-engaged way to start planning our wedding. we are going to fly to the dominican republic and have a private ceremony on the beach, and then have a reception at home. lots of money. more money than i care to think about. it is turning out to be expensive because, incase you were not aware of it, Maryland is the "richest" state in the country, and therefore our cost of living is outrageous. a wedding venue that would cost 3,000 in, say, tennessee, would cost 7,000 anywhere in maryland. sucks. and since i am having my dream wedding on a beach, i feel the need to cut corners on the reception. and its not like i am an extravagant person. (you, reader, obviously read my blog, you can probably tell how un-extravagant i am) i like simple and elegant, not expensive and over-done.

I have always wanted a huge wedding, ever since i was a little girl (what little girl doesnt?) but now that i am finally at that point in my life, i find that big parties are not my style. i want to make my own invitations from scratch, and have brilliant ideas about centerpieces and flower arrangements. i guess personalization is better than extravagance. stay tuned for the next few months for pictures of my wedding crafts.

in the mean time, i have a job interview next friday. im not gonna say where, but the job, if i get it, will involve just the right amount of money to make this whole wedding thing a bit easier. I am nervous. it is with one of those companies that one cant help but be nervous about. this is the shot, if i dont get this one, i feel like i'll never get a job. but that is negative thinking, so lets move onto something more positive.

i am having a creativity freeze lately. i think wedding research has taken all of my life over. makes me glad i dont have a good job at this point...at least i have lots of free time to do the leg work that i would otherwise have to fit into my day. with all of the time and research and stress and what not that i am putting into my wedding planning, i am getting nowhere with paint or writing. (thus the lack of blogging) so i am going to try to write something later. i did manage a poem a few weeks ago. it isnt the best, and it is only rough draft material right now, but here it is for your reading pleasure. i will leave you with the poem and an empty promise that i will blog again soon.



Sticky, crust-rimmed morning
7/6/08


Fog,
like the Specter of dwindling dreams,
is hovering

just beyond my window.
Every yawn prods it
further and farther
from my reach,
Unrolling fields and trees
and roads and buildings
and cities and oceans and
every mundane chore of the day.

time vs. fear: round one. or, what breaks as easily as a camera?

and a clue is a reasonable thing to give. when all other gifts are exhausted and material items cant breathe beneath the value of one word. one word that means a world, or at least the difference between one world and another and any list of others that neatly organize themselves among possibilities. fear, or at least the brink of it, of that uncertainty of knowing whether fear should even be a minute on your clock, is enough to drive the bus home without the children on it.

but some clues are disguised. or hidden beneath uncertainty. when one thing seems certain, when it is the reason that you breathe and feel and love and remember and expect. and then that certainty seems uncertainly uncertain. when goals and plans become a possibility, or not. those are the times that fear is reasonable.

but how do you know. and should you prepare for the storm? he who gathers bags of sand and bread and milk for a spring shower is a fool. all that toilet paper is good to have...you wont have to go shopping again, but why stock pile something that takes up so much room when you really dont need it? fear and attachment issues are not something as easily stackable as rolls of thin paper. more like bread, as they grow old in the face of needlessnesss, they become stale and mouldy and ruin an otherwise good kitchen.

but how do you know? do you? should you? a weatherman is just a weatherman. he can no more predict the weather as a traffic man can predict accidents. and weather and traffic and potential loss is all lumped into one general category of potential pain staked against uncertainty. theres that word again. that fear of losing what was once that safety. that warm feeling. a mattress, a camera, shoes, meals, plans, a love for that one yellow house, weekend trips, an anniversary. all things that comfort like crawling under a fuzzy blanket. all like a scarf around your neck when the wind is ripping at your throat. but they are just part of plans that, when not carried out, when lost, when forgotten, when...changed...for whatever reason, are just loss.

and how do i know. if the other doesnt. security in the face of a regression is empty. but to not put value in that promise is to force a depression. probably a needless one. but how do i know?

change is what keeps my planet spinning. but we spin around a sun that can go dark. still bright on my side of the world, but there is still a whole hemisphere that i cannot control. i cant see it any more than china can see argentina. smiles are real, and words mean worlds, but change, a reversal of the planet, can destroy the world through inertia.

words can only reassure. and doubt is slightly redundant. but how do i know? and will i ever again? redundancy is a sure way to dig a hole. to push. but fear is a sure way to hurt. needlessly? and questions not asked eat. or at least chew and chomp till unrecognizable and useless.

fear. it all comes down to that one basic human instinct. the one from which wars have stemmed, from which anger can grow, and sadness flourish. i'm sure it can be defeated. but how do i know.


doubt is something wholly different. doubt is a lack of trust. theres no room for it, and i dont harbor. i dont share my space with unneeded visitors. doubt is a step from cheating. and thats not me. but fear can flourish without doubt. fear can make, or break, or strain. and i just want to know.


limbo. not just a game, but a horrible place to live and work and love. it has infiltrated a place previously inhabited by certainty and hope. i dont want it there. but what can i do. questions. answers. words, fear. change.


love.


and what is eternal? what outlasts change? does it? can anything? can something given unconditionally and freely and selflessly and in the face of the possibilities produce a return? i know it is there. i know it has been. i feel it, i see it, i hear it. but is it going to stay? is there room? can a person be baggage? extra weight? a hinderance? a comfortable place full of warmth but no promise?



is there room? its a reasonable question. it eats more than fear. its a name brand fear, not the generic type. it has a face and lungs and has breathed its hot breath down my neck for weeks. change takes up more space than a queen sized mattress. and pressure isnt the goal. what is two years in the face of life-altering change the size of a country? is there room? will there always be room? re-evaluation is natural, understandable. needed. but is there room?

1. Troy

Troy is my top item to be thankful for. I feel that it is especially important right now that I speak about him and remember why he is the number one item on my list.

he is in ecuador. i am home. I have all sorts of trepidation about him right now because of this hateful trip. I feel that discussing all of the reasons I love and am thankful for him will help me to get over this horrible fear and depression I have been struggling with.


Troy and I overcame diversity from the very beginning of our relationship. I was afraid to give him a chance, and we eventually ended up dating (after he had to wiggle and squirm his way into finally admitting thathe was interested in me). We were only together for a week or so when my Ex, who I still believed myself to have feelings for, came into the picture and aksed me to take him back. My "what if" complex broke the one-week bliss of having troy, and i knew that if i didnt give the ex a last shot, i would never be happy and satisfied with troy.

the three weeks that I gave mr Ex a fresh start turned out to be terrible. a disaster. I couldnt have asked for a better result. For the first time in my toubled past with this particulr ex, I dumped him, and felt a sense of relief and happiness that i had not felt in years.

that night I told troy that i wanted him back and that I was in it 100%. I explained to him that all of my baggage was taken care of, i was no longer afraid of him, or afraid that I was making the wrong choice. I had a whole new appreciation for him.


to back up a little bit, because i need to record the story of us formally anyway, I first met Troy at my student orientation at community college. He didnt remember this at first, but now he recalls that he actually arranged for me to be in his tour group because he thought i was "cute". anyone having seen me that day would tell you that i was not cute, but pissed off, in a bad mood, and wearing all black on a sunny fall day.

at any rate, i remember asking him about literary magazines and news papers. he told me about bittersweet, and the editor of it, who would eventually become the dreaded "ex" discussed above. I would take troy's advice and join the literary club, fall for the editor, and not only date him, but also become the editor myself.

Troy would later tell me that, while i always remembered and noticed him, he would only remember me as "mike's girlfriend"

I remember a few times of running into him in the great hall, or watching him clean the tables in the cafe (he was the head of the college's housekeeping crew at the time) and watching him bend over the tables. i remember when he finally stopped shaving his head and how much cuter he was with hair. I remember seeing him the first week of class, and feeling relieved because i "technically" knew someone. I remember hearing stories about him and wondering what he was like, but never having a reason to talk to him. so I dated mike, and just went along my way.


until one day when i would run into troy in the great hall at school. he was talking to a good friend of mine, who, in passing, would ask me how mike was doing. I would reply "that asshole?" and a whole new world of ideas would open up in troy's mind.


he admits to using my friend to get to me. he would turn down my offers to hang out, but eventually run into me at applebees, and we would hang out a few days later. he not only used my friend (xtian) to get to me, but also my love for writing. he asked me to look over his writing, and then to ask me to help him with a writing project. it was that project that would eventually get me to his house alone on a friday night, sitting and talking until some late hour, and then to his house on several other occasions, and then to dinner on valentines day.

he used to give me back massages. all the time. im not sure how he did it, but he managed to get me to pull my shirt all the way up my back and let him sit on my lower back and just massage me. oil, candles, ect. amazing. i he would be rubbing my back, and i would be dreaming about him bending over and kissing me.

but i was afraid to kiss him once we finally started dating. between him and mike, there was a rash of random, not attractive, but avaliable guys in my life. a chef, a server, a master electrician, a musician, ect. the last guy i dated before troy was a 23 year old amazing guy who happened to be really awkward in dealings with women. he scared me for life. he was what made me afraid and avoid all possibilities of dating/kissing troy. i was afraid of awkardness. I was afraid that, if troy kissed me, it would ruin him for me. so i avioided it until i couldnt any more. until he finally sat on his floor one day while i was laying on the couch, and he asked me if he could finally be allowed to kiss me. what was i going to do? i coldnt say no.

and that would start a butterflies in my belly obsession with kissing him. from that day, there would be no end to it. i would never want to stop. i blush thinking about it (2 years later). things were great.

and then the fiasco with mike the "ex". but we were stronger after that. we really were. I remember having lunch with troy every friday at panera. i remember spending more time with him than with the "ex" while i was dating him. and "the ext" didnt seem to care. finally, after a talk with the "ex" i came to the conclusion that I was unhappy and being incredibly stupid. I wanted troy. I wanted him more than anything I had ever wanted in my life.

So I asked him to take me back. we had argued and avoided each other and been mean to each other, made each other cry while i took the ex back, but it all faded away.

and these have been the best two years of my life.


top 10 reasons I love troy:
1. he understands me and I understand him. we are best friends, not just boyfriend and girlfriend. we agree on things and fight, but not about major things. we get along perfectly.
2. i love him physically. just by rubbing my arm or holding my hand, he can make everything okay. im convinced that my anger and depression with him being gone is the result of him not being here to touch me. we can lay together and just sleep comfortably.
3. he has the same goals that i have. marriage, kids, how to raise kids, money, travel, continue education. we both find the same things important. we have the same ideas about teaching and pushing our kids. we both want the same thigns for a wedding, the same type of house. we agree on foods, like the same styles, movies, music. peas in an ipod, so to speak.
4. he loves me. there is a certain amount of trust that comes along with knowing that a person loves you so much. i do not doubt him. i do not worry that he is with/much less looking at another woman. i know that, in spite of my insecurities, i am the one for him. i know he would do anythign for me.
5. he encourages me. he wants me to be the best at whatever i can. he wants me to push myself and loves my accomplishments. he is proud of me, and it shows. but he also worries about me and helps me along the way. I do/feel all of the same things about him.
6. he isnt selfish. he gives and takes and makes sacrifices. he always considers my opinion. he listens to me, in general, which is amazing.
7. we communicate. i am never afraid to talk to him about things. i know he wil listen, and even if we fight, it only lasts a little while.
8. he is beautiful. i never imagined that i would love a fuzzy guy, but now i know that, without the fuzz, he wouldnt be mine. i love how soft his hands are and the orangeish ness of his eyes in the light. i love that strip of hair betwen his wrist and pinkie finger. his little heart shaped lips, his bubble butt, his belly, his smell, his bad breath in the morning.
9. he is going somewhere. i dont need to motivate him. he is not afraid to get up early, or to apply for a job, or to better himself in one way or another. he has goals and wants to be great.
10. all of those reasons combined, along with others that i wont mention here. add to it his pride, family, humbleness, shyness, little kid qualities, his smile, and just the general way he makes me feel.


i know that whatever problems i have with him right now, all of the things that are bothering me about this trip, i know that just his presence will make it better. just feeing him hold my hand will fix it all.

I need you to need me

During my two days of chaotic depression (caused by not hearing from Troy when I expected to hear from him) I had quite a bit of time to think about our relationship, but not as much as I learned after speaking to him two nights in a row.

The first night troy called me was Saturday night. He was happy and rearing to go. He said he didn’t miss home, he was having fun, making friends, and generally having fun. That’s all I wanted to hear, right? He was safe, happy, not stressed. I thought so too, but something interesting happened when I got off the phone after a too expensive and too short phone conversation: I found myself suddenly upset with him for being so happy. Left field. It took me a few hours to dissect the anger and understand where it came from and why. In fact, it was not until a few hours ago that I finally managed to speak to Troy again and gain a full appreciation for what my anger meant.

The first call gave me the impression that I was not important, that he could easily and happily survive anywhere with or without me. I felt expendable. Like an employee or aggravating obligation. Hearing the happiness in his voice and the rushed tone of one who is paying $2 a minute for a call did not give me the impression that he wanted to call. I realize now that this was all in my head, but honestly, the circumstances speak for themselves. Here I am, depressed and unable to function because I miss him so much, and there he is, having a blast in a beautiful country. How would anyone else feel?

The second call was a little more of what I was prepared for. He was angry with his boss and needed comforting: a role for me to play, a need for me to fill, a reason to be missed. I immediately jumped into a 3-minute version of my normal comforting and reassuring mode. He called me not out of duty, but because he needed me.

This speaks more about human nature as a whole than about my relationship with Troy. We need to be needed. It took me a while to give in to this humanly urge when I was younger, but now I see that needing someone is not a sign of weakness or of girlyness, but a general human behavior. Biology, if you will. It is okay to let someone hold the door for you. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be depressed because you miss someone.

There is nothing worse than being surrounded by an unsympathetic, anti-emotional family when you are hurting and sad. I think my fear of needing someone is a product of my mother pushing me to be as cold and independent as she is. I do not want to be like that. Crying over someone is miserable, but not crying over them would be worse. I could not imagine going through my day without Troy and being glad that he is gone, or not wanting him to come back, or even just not caring. What is a relationship for if the members of said relationship are not attached or important to one another?

So I will continue to want Troy to be happy. Just because he is having a good time does not mean that he doesn’t need me, or that he will abandon me to live out the rest of his life in South America. I know he will not leave me. I know that he will come back changed, a different person because of his experience in Ecuador, but that person will still be the person I love, and not someone to avoid or fear.

I do wish the calls could last a little bit longer though. It takes the first minute for me to get over the shock of speaking to him, then the second minute is him talking to me, and I get a minute to talk to him with my long-winded inability to form a sentence, and then that’s it. But Its almost over. Not really. He hasn’t even been gone a week out of the three yet. But its gonna fly by. I hope.

its just an email.

i honestly did not know that it is possible to worry yourself sick. i know for sure, now, that it is possible. I have worried myself to the point of physical sickness. and all over something that i am sure is fine. I know that internet is not as rampant in other countries as it is here. i know flights get delayed. i know that arriving in a new country does not always leave time for phonecalls and emails. but i am afraid of what i do not know, and that email is what lets me know what is going on.

i suppose the email will arrive. i know that there are reasonable, non death/destruction-related reasons that said email has not apeared in my inbox, but i will be worried sick until it does.

in the mean time, im going to watch scrubs. I'm glad he gave me scrubs before he left. it seems to be the only thing that can take my mind off of my worries and fears and actually help me relax. i think i need a drink.