little known fact about me: I paint. not only do I paint, I do all sorts of art, everything from pixels, vectors, water colors, charcoal, paper cutting, clay, acrylics, sewing, crocheting, and whatever else I can create with.
I am not vain enough to boast about my artwork, and most of it is a form of self-expression, but I have enough of an understanding about things like design and color theory to do pretty well for myself. Not to mention my love of studying art history and the different periods, styles, and masters. Ever since I could remember, I have had a brilliant eye for color. I still think I belong next to a printing press checking colors. I have a great appreciation for the subtleties of color and how pigments mix.
Lately, I have been playing with mixed media and paper cutting. I love to paint news print and create collages and paintings with it. I am forever obsessed with childish colors (not to mention painting childish subjects like my still-life of Mr. Potato Head for a painting class)
But I am just as inconsistent and lazy with my art as I am with writing (and if you read my blog, you understand exactly to what extent I am inconsistent with things that I enjoy doing...i.e. when is the last time I posted a blog?) so the problem exists that I can never make myself sit down and create something. therefore, art as neglect.
my new project is a moleskine notebook. on a whim, I bought a mini watercolor moleskine notebook, and I am trying to fill a page once a day. of course there have been gaps, but, having bought the book on 9/6/08, I have been pretty consistent, painting, sketching, or mod-podging a page almost every day so far. (we'll see how long that lasts). the best part about the book is that I can create small sketches before pulling out a canvas and spending all of my time on one big project. Big projects are daunting, so this allows me to get my ideas onto paper, and not have a mess and lost time.
not to mention, it is 100% portable. grab a brush or two, my watercolors, and the book, and im ready for a long weekend away from my desk.
So I love art, crafts, design, ect.
as a side note, perhaps i shall begin posting my moleskine pages as I finish them. hmmmm...
Showing posts with label 10things. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 10things. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
8. Writing
perhaps this one should be closer to the top of the list. Actually, it should be number two. I will not change it though, for I have a love-hate relationship with my writing.
I love to write more than I love to eat.
But writing is never easy, and has landed me in a dead-end cardboard box-major where I will graduate without a job and make no money.
I think that I am a good writer (dont judge me by my lazy blogging habits, please) but so are the thousands of other writers out there. My age, younger, older, working, unemployed, in college, published, not published, afraid to show their work. Too many writers.
Nothing is worse than when someone judges you as a good writer and asks you to read their writing. "be honest"
but it sucks, and if you tell them honestly that the writing needs work, they get defensive, and all of a sudden you must not know what you're talking about.
But lets not forget about the release. Thats why I blog, isnt it? I think so. Like finally getting to a bathroom after walking for a few miles with two cups of coffee in your bladder. its like spring cleaning for your mind.
I have a problem with fighting or having serious discussions with people. Unless I write my thoughts out first, I feel as though they never come out right. I have to write them first. I think through my hands.
I hate people who write stories and essays and poetry on the computer. It is called writing for a reason. Not typing. it shouldnt be done. it uses a whole different hemisphere of your brain. its the difference between preparing food and making food. between betty crocker and from scratch.
I think I shall post a second blog. I have not posted poetry to this blog before, have I? I dont think I have. Perhaps I shall. Lots of poems from last semester that I have just finished revising. I dont know if theyre done now or not.
I love to write more than I love to eat.
But writing is never easy, and has landed me in a dead-end cardboard box-major where I will graduate without a job and make no money.
I think that I am a good writer (dont judge me by my lazy blogging habits, please) but so are the thousands of other writers out there. My age, younger, older, working, unemployed, in college, published, not published, afraid to show their work. Too many writers.
Nothing is worse than when someone judges you as a good writer and asks you to read their writing. "be honest"
but it sucks, and if you tell them honestly that the writing needs work, they get defensive, and all of a sudden you must not know what you're talking about.
But lets not forget about the release. Thats why I blog, isnt it? I think so. Like finally getting to a bathroom after walking for a few miles with two cups of coffee in your bladder. its like spring cleaning for your mind.
I have a problem with fighting or having serious discussions with people. Unless I write my thoughts out first, I feel as though they never come out right. I have to write them first. I think through my hands.
I hate people who write stories and essays and poetry on the computer. It is called writing for a reason. Not typing. it shouldnt be done. it uses a whole different hemisphere of your brain. its the difference between preparing food and making food. between betty crocker and from scratch.
I think I shall post a second blog. I have not posted poetry to this blog before, have I? I dont think I have. Perhaps I shall. Lots of poems from last semester that I have just finished revising. I dont know if theyre done now or not.
Monday, March 17, 2008
7. Asheville/"hope"
my recent gallops across the internet have landed me on a flicker site belonging to a photographer from Asheville North Carolina. Have you ever been somewhere, or passed through a place and fallen completely in love with everything about it? Troy, Jeremy, and I visited Asheville for one day to see a Smashing Pumpkins concert, and I fell head over heels for the city.
I have several fears about the city:
1. that I am building it up and idolizing it beyond what it could ever have been, and will be disappointed if I ever get to go back
2. that I will never get the chance to go back
3. that, if I get to go back, I will find it changed like so many other places in this country.
anyone who knows me very well (like troy) will think that Asheville is a stupid addition to my 10things list, but the love for the city extends beyond that short visit.
To me, Asheville is proof that this country is not completely lost. there are still places, whole cities where there may be drugs and crime, but people, as a whole, get along, share, love one another, and exist peacefully. The cost of living is low, the scenery is beautiful, people stopped on the streets to say hello, the streets are alive day and night, even the drug addicts and insane people were nice. Its like a whole section of the 60's got trapped in this valley. Its the city of love.
Everything was organic, hand-made, and generally clean and fair-trade. Why cant the rest of the country be so correct and caring? why cant a hamburger in MD have a history? why are hand made clothes in DC or Towson so over-priced? why cant we have organic co-ops instead of massive grocery stores?
Why does the rest of the country have to suck?
I would absolutely love to move there. I am serious. 100% serious. I have never fallen in love with a place. Hell, i've only fallen in love with one person, I didnt think there could be more than that! but Asheville is my second love. Streets full of music, limited walmarts, no fast food downtown, big buildings living peacefully among small cottages and single family homes, all situated cozily between the blue ridge mountains. beautiful.
maybe it would be best to not go back. I can only hope that, regardless of how far the country sinks into despair, Asheville will always be my symbol of how it could be. Hope does exist. so maybe my #7 thing should be labeled "hope". the city is wonderful, but the hope it inspires in me is what i appreciate most.
I have several fears about the city:
1. that I am building it up and idolizing it beyond what it could ever have been, and will be disappointed if I ever get to go back
2. that I will never get the chance to go back
3. that, if I get to go back, I will find it changed like so many other places in this country.
anyone who knows me very well (like troy) will think that Asheville is a stupid addition to my 10things list, but the love for the city extends beyond that short visit.
To me, Asheville is proof that this country is not completely lost. there are still places, whole cities where there may be drugs and crime, but people, as a whole, get along, share, love one another, and exist peacefully. The cost of living is low, the scenery is beautiful, people stopped on the streets to say hello, the streets are alive day and night, even the drug addicts and insane people were nice. Its like a whole section of the 60's got trapped in this valley. Its the city of love.
Everything was organic, hand-made, and generally clean and fair-trade. Why cant the rest of the country be so correct and caring? why cant a hamburger in MD have a history? why are hand made clothes in DC or Towson so over-priced? why cant we have organic co-ops instead of massive grocery stores?
Why does the rest of the country have to suck?
I would absolutely love to move there. I am serious. 100% serious. I have never fallen in love with a place. Hell, i've only fallen in love with one person, I didnt think there could be more than that! but Asheville is my second love. Streets full of music, limited walmarts, no fast food downtown, big buildings living peacefully among small cottages and single family homes, all situated cozily between the blue ridge mountains. beautiful.
maybe it would be best to not go back. I can only hope that, regardless of how far the country sinks into despair, Asheville will always be my symbol of how it could be. Hope does exist. so maybe my #7 thing should be labeled "hope". the city is wonderful, but the hope it inspires in me is what i appreciate most.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
6. Lomography
I am not a photographer. Not by any standard. I cannot focus properly, am not patient enough to line up a shot and take it properly. I know very little about all of the elements of photography that count. But i love taking pictures.
I actually learned what I do know about photography from an ex- national geographic photographer. he was Australian and his name was Andy. The man knew his stuff! He taught me everything I have since forgotten about shutter speed, film, processing, aperture, the works. I spent three weeks working in his dark room, helping him develop his own shots and also the slides for a summer camp slide show. Lots of fun. I became obsessed for a while with trying to take interesting pictures. But, as with everything else I start, I didnt follow up on it. Not like my mother would have let me. Waste of time, she said. and so, like Sign Language, Soccer, Gymnastics, Dance, Swimming, Ice Hockey, Piano, Singing, and Girl Scouts, photography became one of those things I have done but do not do.
Until Lomography.
my Lc-a (may it rest in peace) was a chance to capture fun moments, to see the world through a series of color, shape, and shadows once again. not much is needed, the film is basic 35mm, cheaper the better. it allows for mistakes, most of the best shots are mistakes. over-exposure generally doesnt happen. as long as you look for color, you get results.
I feel like I might finally have the hang of it, setting the distance properly was a problem, but now that I understand the distance between feet and meters, I am hopeful. I have a whole slew of things I want to shoot. It is a free way to express my view of the world. no paint involved. I like a form of art that literally takes seconds. some paintings can take weeks. wriing a story can take years. lomography takes a second.
And it encouraged me to get out and about. I wanted to go anywhere and everywhere. a perpetual search for color and strange shapes. I wanted to experiment. I still do. I hope to have a new Lc-a before spring is in full bloom. I cant wait to get pictures of flowers blooming and the fake snow from flowering trees. and summer sunsets and beach pictures and trips and new places.
I havnt had my Lc-a for four or five weeks, and yet, when I see something that appeals to me, I still begin to reach into my giant coach bag for it. talk about a lasting impression. a very easily made friend. I almost always forget about my Holga, though. does that make any sense? I dont think so. Holga is a bit of a disappointment. mostly because it requires 120 film. I cant stand spending $20 to process and print a roll of 12 exposures. not to mention how expensive the film itself costs!
I'll have my Lc-a back soon enough, I guess. In the mean time, I continue to study up and learn more about it, research film, make notes of things that i want to snap pictures of. And play with my crappy Kodak point and shoot. horrible camera!!!! absolutely terrible. how is the cheaply made russian camera better than a brand new Kodak? you tell me!
Yay Lomogaphy!
I actually learned what I do know about photography from an ex- national geographic photographer. he was Australian and his name was Andy. The man knew his stuff! He taught me everything I have since forgotten about shutter speed, film, processing, aperture, the works. I spent three weeks working in his dark room, helping him develop his own shots and also the slides for a summer camp slide show. Lots of fun. I became obsessed for a while with trying to take interesting pictures. But, as with everything else I start, I didnt follow up on it. Not like my mother would have let me. Waste of time, she said. and so, like Sign Language, Soccer, Gymnastics, Dance, Swimming, Ice Hockey, Piano, Singing, and Girl Scouts, photography became one of those things I have done but do not do.
Until Lomography.
my Lc-a (may it rest in peace) was a chance to capture fun moments, to see the world through a series of color, shape, and shadows once again. not much is needed, the film is basic 35mm, cheaper the better. it allows for mistakes, most of the best shots are mistakes. over-exposure generally doesnt happen. as long as you look for color, you get results.
I feel like I might finally have the hang of it, setting the distance properly was a problem, but now that I understand the distance between feet and meters, I am hopeful. I have a whole slew of things I want to shoot. It is a free way to express my view of the world. no paint involved. I like a form of art that literally takes seconds. some paintings can take weeks. wriing a story can take years. lomography takes a second.
And it encouraged me to get out and about. I wanted to go anywhere and everywhere. a perpetual search for color and strange shapes. I wanted to experiment. I still do. I hope to have a new Lc-a before spring is in full bloom. I cant wait to get pictures of flowers blooming and the fake snow from flowering trees. and summer sunsets and beach pictures and trips and new places.
I havnt had my Lc-a for four or five weeks, and yet, when I see something that appeals to me, I still begin to reach into my giant coach bag for it. talk about a lasting impression. a very easily made friend. I almost always forget about my Holga, though. does that make any sense? I dont think so. Holga is a bit of a disappointment. mostly because it requires 120 film. I cant stand spending $20 to process and print a roll of 12 exposures. not to mention how expensive the film itself costs!
I'll have my Lc-a back soon enough, I guess. In the mean time, I continue to study up and learn more about it, research film, make notes of things that i want to snap pictures of. And play with my crappy Kodak point and shoot. horrible camera!!!! absolutely terrible. how is the cheaply made russian camera better than a brand new Kodak? you tell me!
Yay Lomogaphy!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
5. feeling good in my clothes
this one requires an explanation of sorts.
I mean several things by saying that I love feeling good in my clothes.
first, I love feeling good because of the fabric, or texture of clothing. Right now I am wearing a cotton dress that feels awesome, and a long grey cotton sweater that is soft and warm and hugs me in all the right places. Even better is the hat I'm wearing (Im getting ready to go out and it happens to be cold today) it is a knitted beanie-type hat with the ear flaps. mostly wool. soft, and snug around my ears. it feels good to be warm on a blustery march morning.
second, as every female in the history of the world knows, there are days when you simply feel strange in your clothes. those are the days that you throw on sweats and a hoodie instead of the business casual you usually wear to school or work. it is a miserable feeling to try on every single shirt or sweater you own and find that everything feels awkward and uncomfortable. something that was comfortable last week is now the outfit from hell. i feel good in my clothes today, and am grateful for that comfort.
third, new clothes are fantastic in any situation. nothing is more comfortable than the extra soft sweater, or new dress that still has tags. i am a firm believer that one should not pre-remove tags before wearing clothing. last night, troy went through the new clothes he bought and removed the tags before putting them in the closet. i was mortified. those tags serve to remind me that this piece of clothing has never been worn, that it still has that soft, perfect feel of something brand new. i take the tags of just before i put it on like a ritual.
fourth, i love used clothing. strange, i know. but it extends beyond the concept of getting close-to-new-ish clothing for cheap, and into the realm of clothing that has already been broken in. some people laugh at the idea of buying new clothes, but the trend is growing. it makes me feel kinda green (not the color). i am happy to say that i did it before the trend got so big.
I mean several things by saying that I love feeling good in my clothes.
first, I love feeling good because of the fabric, or texture of clothing. Right now I am wearing a cotton dress that feels awesome, and a long grey cotton sweater that is soft and warm and hugs me in all the right places. Even better is the hat I'm wearing (Im getting ready to go out and it happens to be cold today) it is a knitted beanie-type hat with the ear flaps. mostly wool. soft, and snug around my ears. it feels good to be warm on a blustery march morning.
second, as every female in the history of the world knows, there are days when you simply feel strange in your clothes. those are the days that you throw on sweats and a hoodie instead of the business casual you usually wear to school or work. it is a miserable feeling to try on every single shirt or sweater you own and find that everything feels awkward and uncomfortable. something that was comfortable last week is now the outfit from hell. i feel good in my clothes today, and am grateful for that comfort.
third, new clothes are fantastic in any situation. nothing is more comfortable than the extra soft sweater, or new dress that still has tags. i am a firm believer that one should not pre-remove tags before wearing clothing. last night, troy went through the new clothes he bought and removed the tags before putting them in the closet. i was mortified. those tags serve to remind me that this piece of clothing has never been worn, that it still has that soft, perfect feel of something brand new. i take the tags of just before i put it on like a ritual.
fourth, i love used clothing. strange, i know. but it extends beyond the concept of getting close-to-new-ish clothing for cheap, and into the realm of clothing that has already been broken in. some people laugh at the idea of buying new clothes, but the trend is growing. it makes me feel kinda green (not the color). i am happy to say that i did it before the trend got so big.
Monday, March 3, 2008
4. open windows
Waking up in a room with open windows is one of those things I take for granted too often. During the summer open windows are a way of life, but during winter, I remember exactly how good it feels to have a warm breeze constantly flowing through my bedroom.
Even in a car, the ability to drive with the windows down makes any trip more pleasant. Though I must admit that sometimes I do not appreciate it the way I should. I worry too much about what the wind will do to my hair. I regret feeling that way once winter rolls around and my window has to stay up.
I opened my bedroom window today for the first time in months. It was 65degrees today. Amazing after a week full of 20 and below.
Warm weather, in general, is something that just makes my day better. I cant wait till summer. bring on the heat!
Even in a car, the ability to drive with the windows down makes any trip more pleasant. Though I must admit that sometimes I do not appreciate it the way I should. I worry too much about what the wind will do to my hair. I regret feeling that way once winter rolls around and my window has to stay up.
I opened my bedroom window today for the first time in months. It was 65degrees today. Amazing after a week full of 20 and below.
Warm weather, in general, is something that just makes my day better. I cant wait till summer. bring on the heat!
Saturday, March 1, 2008
3. Waking up early
I am an early riser. I cannot stand to sleep my morning away. I love the feeling of being awake before everyone else, and the quiet relaxation time it allows me.
I even love trips and events that force me to get out of bed earlier than usual. The world just seems so generally calm. Right as the sun rises it is easy to forget about things like corrupt government officials, school bills, missing boyfriends, papers as-of-yet-not-written, fights with parents, and money problems. Everything is so calm that my mind seems to think that all of those things were just bad dreams that went away while I was asleep.
I do not like to rush. I am a take-my-time sort of person, and I feel that waking up early allows me to start my day slowly, yawn and stretch, and then begin doing what needs to be done.
For example, today I woke up at 5. Crazy? You ask? Yes. I actually went to bed at 10 last night because I was just exhausted and feeling on the sick side of life. Once I got my allotted amount of sleep, my body woke me up and, unable to go back to sleep, I slowly got out of bed and began my day. I have already written a paper, started a new poem, took care of some editorial business for Welter, and wrote this blog. No rushing today, not for me. It is going to be a relaxed, shopping sort of day.
I think I may find someone to go to Towson with me. I could use some more clothes. And what better way to spend a slow, relaxed day than by shopping?
I know no better way.
The only thing that could have made my early wake-up better would have been if I could have had my window open and warm weather to greet me.
But I’m not selfish. It will happen eventually. As soon as this retarded state catches up with the global warming trends.
I even love trips and events that force me to get out of bed earlier than usual. The world just seems so generally calm. Right as the sun rises it is easy to forget about things like corrupt government officials, school bills, missing boyfriends, papers as-of-yet-not-written, fights with parents, and money problems. Everything is so calm that my mind seems to think that all of those things were just bad dreams that went away while I was asleep.
I do not like to rush. I am a take-my-time sort of person, and I feel that waking up early allows me to start my day slowly, yawn and stretch, and then begin doing what needs to be done.
For example, today I woke up at 5. Crazy? You ask? Yes. I actually went to bed at 10 last night because I was just exhausted and feeling on the sick side of life. Once I got my allotted amount of sleep, my body woke me up and, unable to go back to sleep, I slowly got out of bed and began my day. I have already written a paper, started a new poem, took care of some editorial business for Welter, and wrote this blog. No rushing today, not for me. It is going to be a relaxed, shopping sort of day.
I think I may find someone to go to Towson with me. I could use some more clothes. And what better way to spend a slow, relaxed day than by shopping?
I know no better way.
The only thing that could have made my early wake-up better would have been if I could have had my window open and warm weather to greet me.
But I’m not selfish. It will happen eventually. As soon as this retarded state catches up with the global warming trends.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
2. chocolate
Of course, the only thing I love nearly as much as Troy is chocolate. Dont act like you're shocked.
I wish I had some unique or interesting perspective on chocolate, or some amazing insight that makes me love it more than other women.
I do not.
I love chocolate for all of the right reasons:
1. tastes amazing
2. the texture of good chocolate is smooth and soothing. the best texture is dove extra dark. Hershey has the worst texture.
3. endorphines. seriously.
4. it always makes me feel better. it can cure a cold, belly ache, head ache, cramps, bad mood, hunger. its like the cocaine doctors used to give patients. Cure-all.
5. dark chocolate is good for you in small doses.
6. aphrodisiac.
7. it is good with anything and everything. i have yet to find something that chocolate does not improve or complement.
8. diverse. which is different than #7. aside from tasting good with anything, it also can be used in many recipies. several holidays are dependent on chocolate in my mind. it comes in many forms, shapes, sizes, ect.
9. it makes one feel surprisingly rich. I could not have a penny to my name, but if i have a chocolate bar in my hand, i feel like coco Chanel or Liz Taylor (only younger)
10. it will always be there for me. it is accessible, cheap, easy to find and make, and will never let me down.
I wont go into my life story involving chocolate the way i did about troy, but i am a chocolate snob.
I do not eat Hersheys chocolate, if I can help it. Dont get me wrong, chocolate is chocolate, but given a choice, I will pick something with a little more taste.
chocolate with chili peppers is amazing. Mayan chocolate. mmmm.
I am not one for candy bars. I used to be, but as i grow older, I find that the extra sugar and added candies that used to appeal to me now just make it too sweet and ruin the taste.
I am learning to despise milk chocolate. I cant pin point when it happened, but dark is the way to go.
I am particular about the chocolate i eat in general. If i want smooth and silky, i choose dove. if i want crisp and bitter, ghiardelli. Rich and robust means Godiva. the best possible milk chocolate is wolfgangs. Wilbur chocolate is good too. many people dont know about them, but they are a small dutch chocolate company in Pennsylvania. I do not eat that colorful Target brand chocolate...whats it called? choxie or something like that? yuck. and. if it is wrapped in cheap foil with a bunny or pumpkin on it. i will not. eat. it.
and also crunch bars. yuck.
abuelta. amazing Mexican hot chocolate made by nestle.
by the by, i love the movie chocolat. and it has very little to do with johnny depp, contrary to popular belief.
I wish I had some unique or interesting perspective on chocolate, or some amazing insight that makes me love it more than other women.
I do not.
I love chocolate for all of the right reasons:
1. tastes amazing
2. the texture of good chocolate is smooth and soothing. the best texture is dove extra dark. Hershey has the worst texture.
3. endorphines. seriously.
4. it always makes me feel better. it can cure a cold, belly ache, head ache, cramps, bad mood, hunger. its like the cocaine doctors used to give patients. Cure-all.
5. dark chocolate is good for you in small doses.
6. aphrodisiac.
7. it is good with anything and everything. i have yet to find something that chocolate does not improve or complement.
8. diverse. which is different than #7. aside from tasting good with anything, it also can be used in many recipies. several holidays are dependent on chocolate in my mind. it comes in many forms, shapes, sizes, ect.
9. it makes one feel surprisingly rich. I could not have a penny to my name, but if i have a chocolate bar in my hand, i feel like coco Chanel or Liz Taylor (only younger)
10. it will always be there for me. it is accessible, cheap, easy to find and make, and will never let me down.
I wont go into my life story involving chocolate the way i did about troy, but i am a chocolate snob.
I do not eat Hersheys chocolate, if I can help it. Dont get me wrong, chocolate is chocolate, but given a choice, I will pick something with a little more taste.
chocolate with chili peppers is amazing. Mayan chocolate. mmmm.
I am not one for candy bars. I used to be, but as i grow older, I find that the extra sugar and added candies that used to appeal to me now just make it too sweet and ruin the taste.
I am learning to despise milk chocolate. I cant pin point when it happened, but dark is the way to go.
I am particular about the chocolate i eat in general. If i want smooth and silky, i choose dove. if i want crisp and bitter, ghiardelli. Rich and robust means Godiva. the best possible milk chocolate is wolfgangs. Wilbur chocolate is good too. many people dont know about them, but they are a small dutch chocolate company in Pennsylvania. I do not eat that colorful Target brand chocolate...whats it called? choxie or something like that? yuck. and. if it is wrapped in cheap foil with a bunny or pumpkin on it. i will not. eat. it.
and also crunch bars. yuck.
abuelta. amazing Mexican hot chocolate made by nestle.
by the by, i love the movie chocolat. and it has very little to do with johnny depp, contrary to popular belief.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
1. Troy
Troy is my top item to be thankful for. I feel that it is especially important right now that I speak about him and remember why he is the number one item on my list.
he is in ecuador. i am home. I have all sorts of trepidation about him right now because of this hateful trip. I feel that discussing all of the reasons I love and am thankful for him will help me to get over this horrible fear and depression I have been struggling with.
Troy and I overcame diversity from the very beginning of our relationship. I was afraid to give him a chance, and we eventually ended up dating (after he had to wiggle and squirm his way into finally admitting thathe was interested in me). We were only together for a week or so when my Ex, who I still believed myself to have feelings for, came into the picture and aksed me to take him back. My "what if" complex broke the one-week bliss of having troy, and i knew that if i didnt give the ex a last shot, i would never be happy and satisfied with troy.
the three weeks that I gave mr Ex a fresh start turned out to be terrible. a disaster. I couldnt have asked for a better result. For the first time in my toubled past with this particulr ex, I dumped him, and felt a sense of relief and happiness that i had not felt in years.
that night I told troy that i wanted him back and that I was in it 100%. I explained to him that all of my baggage was taken care of, i was no longer afraid of him, or afraid that I was making the wrong choice. I had a whole new appreciation for him.
to back up a little bit, because i need to record the story of us formally anyway, I first met Troy at my student orientation at community college. He didnt remember this at first, but now he recalls that he actually arranged for me to be in his tour group because he thought i was "cute". anyone having seen me that day would tell you that i was not cute, but pissed off, in a bad mood, and wearing all black on a sunny fall day.
at any rate, i remember asking him about literary magazines and news papers. he told me about bittersweet, and the editor of it, who would eventually become the dreaded "ex" discussed above. I would take troy's advice and join the literary club, fall for the editor, and not only date him, but also become the editor myself.
Troy would later tell me that, while i always remembered and noticed him, he would only remember me as "mike's girlfriend"
I remember a few times of running into him in the great hall, or watching him clean the tables in the cafe (he was the head of the college's housekeeping crew at the time) and watching him bend over the tables. i remember when he finally stopped shaving his head and how much cuter he was with hair. I remember seeing him the first week of class, and feeling relieved because i "technically" knew someone. I remember hearing stories about him and wondering what he was like, but never having a reason to talk to him. so I dated mike, and just went along my way.
until one day when i would run into troy in the great hall at school. he was talking to a good friend of mine, who, in passing, would ask me how mike was doing. I would reply "that asshole?" and a whole new world of ideas would open up in troy's mind.
he admits to using my friend to get to me. he would turn down my offers to hang out, but eventually run into me at applebees, and we would hang out a few days later. he not only used my friend (xtian) to get to me, but also my love for writing. he asked me to look over his writing, and then to ask me to help him with a writing project. it was that project that would eventually get me to his house alone on a friday night, sitting and talking until some late hour, and then to his house on several other occasions, and then to dinner on valentines day.
he used to give me back massages. all the time. im not sure how he did it, but he managed to get me to pull my shirt all the way up my back and let him sit on my lower back and just massage me. oil, candles, ect. amazing. i he would be rubbing my back, and i would be dreaming about him bending over and kissing me.
but i was afraid to kiss him once we finally started dating. between him and mike, there was a rash of random, not attractive, but avaliable guys in my life. a chef, a server, a master electrician, a musician, ect. the last guy i dated before troy was a 23 year old amazing guy who happened to be really awkward in dealings with women. he scared me for life. he was what made me afraid and avoid all possibilities of dating/kissing troy. i was afraid of awkardness. I was afraid that, if troy kissed me, it would ruin him for me. so i avioided it until i couldnt any more. until he finally sat on his floor one day while i was laying on the couch, and he asked me if he could finally be allowed to kiss me. what was i going to do? i coldnt say no.
and that would start a butterflies in my belly obsession with kissing him. from that day, there would be no end to it. i would never want to stop. i blush thinking about it (2 years later). things were great.
and then the fiasco with mike the "ex". but we were stronger after that. we really were. I remember having lunch with troy every friday at panera. i remember spending more time with him than with the "ex" while i was dating him. and "the ext" didnt seem to care. finally, after a talk with the "ex" i came to the conclusion that I was unhappy and being incredibly stupid. I wanted troy. I wanted him more than anything I had ever wanted in my life.
So I asked him to take me back. we had argued and avoided each other and been mean to each other, made each other cry while i took the ex back, but it all faded away.
and these have been the best two years of my life.
top 10 reasons I love troy:
1. he understands me and I understand him. we are best friends, not just boyfriend and girlfriend. we agree on things and fight, but not about major things. we get along perfectly.
2. i love him physically. just by rubbing my arm or holding my hand, he can make everything okay. im convinced that my anger and depression with him being gone is the result of him not being here to touch me. we can lay together and just sleep comfortably.
3. he has the same goals that i have. marriage, kids, how to raise kids, money, travel, continue education. we both find the same things important. we have the same ideas about teaching and pushing our kids. we both want the same thigns for a wedding, the same type of house. we agree on foods, like the same styles, movies, music. peas in an ipod, so to speak.
4. he loves me. there is a certain amount of trust that comes along with knowing that a person loves you so much. i do not doubt him. i do not worry that he is with/much less looking at another woman. i know that, in spite of my insecurities, i am the one for him. i know he would do anythign for me.
5. he encourages me. he wants me to be the best at whatever i can. he wants me to push myself and loves my accomplishments. he is proud of me, and it shows. but he also worries about me and helps me along the way. I do/feel all of the same things about him.
6. he isnt selfish. he gives and takes and makes sacrifices. he always considers my opinion. he listens to me, in general, which is amazing.
7. we communicate. i am never afraid to talk to him about things. i know he wil listen, and even if we fight, it only lasts a little while.
8. he is beautiful. i never imagined that i would love a fuzzy guy, but now i know that, without the fuzz, he wouldnt be mine. i love how soft his hands are and the orangeish ness of his eyes in the light. i love that strip of hair betwen his wrist and pinkie finger. his little heart shaped lips, his bubble butt, his belly, his smell, his bad breath in the morning.
9. he is going somewhere. i dont need to motivate him. he is not afraid to get up early, or to apply for a job, or to better himself in one way or another. he has goals and wants to be great.
10. all of those reasons combined, along with others that i wont mention here. add to it his pride, family, humbleness, shyness, little kid qualities, his smile, and just the general way he makes me feel.
i know that whatever problems i have with him right now, all of the things that are bothering me about this trip, i know that just his presence will make it better. just feeing him hold my hand will fix it all.
he is in ecuador. i am home. I have all sorts of trepidation about him right now because of this hateful trip. I feel that discussing all of the reasons I love and am thankful for him will help me to get over this horrible fear and depression I have been struggling with.
Troy and I overcame diversity from the very beginning of our relationship. I was afraid to give him a chance, and we eventually ended up dating (after he had to wiggle and squirm his way into finally admitting thathe was interested in me). We were only together for a week or so when my Ex, who I still believed myself to have feelings for, came into the picture and aksed me to take him back. My "what if" complex broke the one-week bliss of having troy, and i knew that if i didnt give the ex a last shot, i would never be happy and satisfied with troy.
the three weeks that I gave mr Ex a fresh start turned out to be terrible. a disaster. I couldnt have asked for a better result. For the first time in my toubled past with this particulr ex, I dumped him, and felt a sense of relief and happiness that i had not felt in years.
that night I told troy that i wanted him back and that I was in it 100%. I explained to him that all of my baggage was taken care of, i was no longer afraid of him, or afraid that I was making the wrong choice. I had a whole new appreciation for him.
to back up a little bit, because i need to record the story of us formally anyway, I first met Troy at my student orientation at community college. He didnt remember this at first, but now he recalls that he actually arranged for me to be in his tour group because he thought i was "cute". anyone having seen me that day would tell you that i was not cute, but pissed off, in a bad mood, and wearing all black on a sunny fall day.
at any rate, i remember asking him about literary magazines and news papers. he told me about bittersweet, and the editor of it, who would eventually become the dreaded "ex" discussed above. I would take troy's advice and join the literary club, fall for the editor, and not only date him, but also become the editor myself.
Troy would later tell me that, while i always remembered and noticed him, he would only remember me as "mike's girlfriend"
I remember a few times of running into him in the great hall, or watching him clean the tables in the cafe (he was the head of the college's housekeeping crew at the time) and watching him bend over the tables. i remember when he finally stopped shaving his head and how much cuter he was with hair. I remember seeing him the first week of class, and feeling relieved because i "technically" knew someone. I remember hearing stories about him and wondering what he was like, but never having a reason to talk to him. so I dated mike, and just went along my way.
until one day when i would run into troy in the great hall at school. he was talking to a good friend of mine, who, in passing, would ask me how mike was doing. I would reply "that asshole?" and a whole new world of ideas would open up in troy's mind.
he admits to using my friend to get to me. he would turn down my offers to hang out, but eventually run into me at applebees, and we would hang out a few days later. he not only used my friend (xtian) to get to me, but also my love for writing. he asked me to look over his writing, and then to ask me to help him with a writing project. it was that project that would eventually get me to his house alone on a friday night, sitting and talking until some late hour, and then to his house on several other occasions, and then to dinner on valentines day.
he used to give me back massages. all the time. im not sure how he did it, but he managed to get me to pull my shirt all the way up my back and let him sit on my lower back and just massage me. oil, candles, ect. amazing. i he would be rubbing my back, and i would be dreaming about him bending over and kissing me.
but i was afraid to kiss him once we finally started dating. between him and mike, there was a rash of random, not attractive, but avaliable guys in my life. a chef, a server, a master electrician, a musician, ect. the last guy i dated before troy was a 23 year old amazing guy who happened to be really awkward in dealings with women. he scared me for life. he was what made me afraid and avoid all possibilities of dating/kissing troy. i was afraid of awkardness. I was afraid that, if troy kissed me, it would ruin him for me. so i avioided it until i couldnt any more. until he finally sat on his floor one day while i was laying on the couch, and he asked me if he could finally be allowed to kiss me. what was i going to do? i coldnt say no.
and that would start a butterflies in my belly obsession with kissing him. from that day, there would be no end to it. i would never want to stop. i blush thinking about it (2 years later). things were great.
and then the fiasco with mike the "ex". but we were stronger after that. we really were. I remember having lunch with troy every friday at panera. i remember spending more time with him than with the "ex" while i was dating him. and "the ext" didnt seem to care. finally, after a talk with the "ex" i came to the conclusion that I was unhappy and being incredibly stupid. I wanted troy. I wanted him more than anything I had ever wanted in my life.
So I asked him to take me back. we had argued and avoided each other and been mean to each other, made each other cry while i took the ex back, but it all faded away.
and these have been the best two years of my life.
top 10 reasons I love troy:
1. he understands me and I understand him. we are best friends, not just boyfriend and girlfriend. we agree on things and fight, but not about major things. we get along perfectly.
2. i love him physically. just by rubbing my arm or holding my hand, he can make everything okay. im convinced that my anger and depression with him being gone is the result of him not being here to touch me. we can lay together and just sleep comfortably.
3. he has the same goals that i have. marriage, kids, how to raise kids, money, travel, continue education. we both find the same things important. we have the same ideas about teaching and pushing our kids. we both want the same thigns for a wedding, the same type of house. we agree on foods, like the same styles, movies, music. peas in an ipod, so to speak.
4. he loves me. there is a certain amount of trust that comes along with knowing that a person loves you so much. i do not doubt him. i do not worry that he is with/much less looking at another woman. i know that, in spite of my insecurities, i am the one for him. i know he would do anythign for me.
5. he encourages me. he wants me to be the best at whatever i can. he wants me to push myself and loves my accomplishments. he is proud of me, and it shows. but he also worries about me and helps me along the way. I do/feel all of the same things about him.
6. he isnt selfish. he gives and takes and makes sacrifices. he always considers my opinion. he listens to me, in general, which is amazing.
7. we communicate. i am never afraid to talk to him about things. i know he wil listen, and even if we fight, it only lasts a little while.
8. he is beautiful. i never imagined that i would love a fuzzy guy, but now i know that, without the fuzz, he wouldnt be mine. i love how soft his hands are and the orangeish ness of his eyes in the light. i love that strip of hair betwen his wrist and pinkie finger. his little heart shaped lips, his bubble butt, his belly, his smell, his bad breath in the morning.
9. he is going somewhere. i dont need to motivate him. he is not afraid to get up early, or to apply for a job, or to better himself in one way or another. he has goals and wants to be great.
10. all of those reasons combined, along with others that i wont mention here. add to it his pride, family, humbleness, shyness, little kid qualities, his smile, and just the general way he makes me feel.
i know that whatever problems i have with him right now, all of the things that are bothering me about this trip, i know that just his presence will make it better. just feeing him hold my hand will fix it all.
ten things intro
I found out about the "ten things" concept by surfing through random blogs. So many people have created the list, and I think now, while I am having problems with Troy being gone, to start a list of my own. So the items under this category will be ten (possibly expanding to more than ten eventually) that make me happy, or that I appreciate for one reason or another.
Ten Things
I will try to devote a blog to each of my main 10 things, and then add blogs when i need on individual days or events. 10things will be my way of remembering what is important, of getting back to the happy, little things kind of person that i use to be.
Ten Things
I will try to devote a blog to each of my main 10 things, and then add blogs when i need on individual days or events. 10things will be my way of remembering what is important, of getting back to the happy, little things kind of person that i use to be.
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