genius

a true genius. who can be said to be/have been a true genius? who is more of a genius, VanGogh or Einstein? given the close line between madness and genius, can it be said that the two are linked? are all geniuses, to a degree, mad? if so, then is the madness a result of the genius's depth of intellect, or is the intellect a result of the ability to look maddeningly deep into the mind?

why are artists generally the outcasts of their time, yet masters of the future? do they have an insight into the future that the average being lacks, or is it just a coincidence that starving artists only gain fame postmortem?

what allows some people to create and others to appreciate? why are most members of society completely out of the loop? is creation simply a product of the ability to be completely honest with the self?

take music, for example: why can some people understand why Hendrix was so amazing, yet others only like him because it is cool to like him, as if he is baseball card or brand-name? one person might hear one of his songs for the first and only time, and be so moved and touched by it, but not know it to be a popular song, yet other people can own a copy of every Hendrix song ever recorded for the sake of having an extensive collection, but never listen to the songs, and never feel the soul-altering melancholy in each guitar solo?

will every generation listen to and love nirvana? or will they eventually fade out? what truth is there in "smells like teen spirit" that touches whole generations. young children who cant understand the lyrics, have never seen the video, and have no idea what a mullato is, but still feel the frustration and energy of the music?

how can people study art their entire lives, and never make anything worth notice, but others can pick up a paintbrush for the first time and create a masterpiece? does everyone have the potential to create, or is it an innate ability that some select, lucky people are born with, and that some may never realize.

are people born with a talent lucky? is it actually a pain? does art come from pain and profound sadness? can art come from happines without being contrite and forced?

where is the line between technical ability and soul? and how do i cross it?

hello, blog

I'll skip the excuses for being a poor blogger and just get right to business....

1. The United States just elected its first black president, and I feel that I should at least say something about it, so bear with me:

I will not say who I voted for or what I believe, in an attempt to avoid random angry comments from people. I will say, however, that for the first time in a long while, I have hope. I am so tired of hearing how horrible our government is, and hearing that things need to change, and I am just happy to finally hear that change is coming. Even bad change is change, and anything that changes has a chance to make something better. I wish The future President all the best, and I hope that he may be numbered among the great in our History.

2. I have a job. after what seems like ages of joblessness and searching and interviewing, I have landed the perfect job as a Graphic Designer. I am so excited to have finally reached the point in life where I will no longer have to wait on tables or hold temporary jobs just to make money for gas. This job comes with an arsenal of fantastic benefits and perks, and I could not be happier.

3. Troy bought me a flickr pro account today. randomly. So that means that I have something to keep me occupied until I start my new job, and I will be scanning in my moleskine paintings. I also no longer have to delete pictures just to add more. so keep an eye out for flickr updates.

4. Troy and I have been re-thinking the marriage thing. I mean, the marriage is still on, its just the Wedding that is up in the air. There is alot to consider, but I think that, once we make the big decisions (venue, food, day) things will be fun, and much more easy. and, FYI, i do not want to hear wedding horror stories. I wont say that mine will be different, because I know it wont, but I refuse to allow fear to run my wedding.

Now, if I could just afford the dress I want. Believe it or not, it is part of the Disney's Princess collection. It is beautiful, but I am afraid of the price tag.

5. We have begun working on our future home. Its a complicated narrative, so I'll save it for a later day.

6. I have finished my first moleskine book. I'm addicted, and I'm glad. The motivation and creative outlet is good for me.

7. Maryland might get its first snow flurries this weekend. Not sure how I feel about it yet. I'm not really ready for it.

8. "If All Goes Wrong" just came out, and of course Troy bought it that day. If you are a Smashing Pumpkins fan, or just a fan of music and the artistic struggle behind good music, you should see the interview with Pete Townshend and the documentary. Genius. BIlly Corgan always has a way of taking my own personal beliefs and putting them into words.

9. The Pour House closed down. The Pour House is a local coffee shop in my town, and, while it was always packed with obnoxious teens and the prices were pretty high, it was still a local business beloved by the community. I spent the better part of my highschool and early college years there, and now I cannot believe it is gone. I have been going less and less in the past few years, but it felt good to know that the place would be there if ever I needed it. NOt to mention, now, that is one less local business. some person's savings and dreams, devoured by the economy. As much as I love starbucks coffee, I would rather see the local starbcks shut its doors, at least starbucks has a chance to come back. a local business, however, cannot just bounce back, it sucks up every resourse the owner has, and then thats it. I try my best to patronize local business as often as possible because they have more integrity and sincerity toward customers than a giant corporate chain. But, alas, the pour house is no more.

10. Gas is currently 1.97 in my home town. How crazy is that? I do not even know what else to say about it. lets just leave it at this: I hope it stays that way.

11. finally, a word about football: HURRAY RAVENS. lets just keep moving forward and I'll be happy.

thats it for now. good day to you, my random reader.

when will it end?

I have been sick since Sunday. Misery. Troy and I went to Skyline Drive, and drove 99.9 miles to get there, drove 53 miles each way along skyline drive, and then 99.9 miles back. The view was beautiful, and totally worth the drive, but, unfortunately, the altitude change meant colder weather on the mountain, and I came down with one hell of a head-cold.

for anyone who may stumble on this blog and not know, Skyline drive is a 150 mi (169 km) road that runs through the Shenandoah national park in Virgina. The road is along the peaks of the Blue Ridge Mountains, and stretches along US rt 81. During autumn, the view is spectacular with the color of changing leaves, and the sky is usually pretty clear during this time of year, so the view stretches out for miles. It is really interesting as you ascend the mountain slowly, to drive into the micro-climate of the top of the mountain. When we went, the valley was in complete sunshine, but the top of the mountain was cloudy and ominous. Beautiful. I think, and I may be confused, that the road has been named one of the most impressive roads in the world because it travels along the peaks of and through a range of mountains. I think I remember seeing it on the History Channel's Modern Marvels.

so that is why I am now sitting, bundled up, at my desk, and periodically sneezing all over my macbook.

being sick always reminds me of being a kid. is that strange? so, in the spirit of being sick, here is one of my favorite childhood poems by Shel Silverstein:



SICK
"I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox.
And there's one more - that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,
It might be the instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke.
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in.
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes are cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There's a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...
What? What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .............. Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

ampersand

While sitting in my bedroom and listening to an owl outside, I decided that the world is a giant list with no commas.

I wonder how many times a day the word "and" is uttered by human mouth. Does every language have its own variation of "and" or are there cultures that exist without the concept of the word? Is there a language in which people list one object at a time, giving each object its own sentence?

I went to the store. Frank went to the store. June went to the store with us.

I do not know about other languages, but it occurs to me that without "and" the English language would lack inclusion, and would require much longer sentences.

I went to the store. Frank went to the store with me. So did June.

Frank, June, and I went to the store.

without saying that he, she, and I went to the store, it becomes difficult to explain that the three of us went to the same store at the same time. It is possible, but needlessly difficult.

to me, the ampersand is one of the most beautifully designed characters, nay, objects ever created. so much is expressed in that single symbol, and yet most people have no idea that it has a name, a real function, or a history.

Then again, most people do not know how to speak their native language.

I have studied language in depth, and I must confess that I even have trouble speaking it at times. So many rules that are broken constantly. Of course, I am not a language purist, I understand that language must change and evolve in order to stay alive, and that 20 generations from now my language will be obsolete, but still, it is sad for one to watch such a slaughtering of something so significant as a language.


I wish that I posessesd the power to hear my language from the perspective of a non-listener.

to an American, french sounds distinct from German, which sounds distinct from Japanese, but do those distinctions hold true to other people from other linguistic backgrounds? i.e. to a french person, is German as different from Japanese as it is to me? and what does English sound like to people who do not speak it? is it as classical and beautiful as French sounds to me? or as fluid as spanish? or is it as harsh and abrupt as Russian?

which is the hardest language to learn? which is the easiest? if everyone spoke one language, would everyone get along? would there be nothing to fight over?

I suppose people would still fight.

a world with one language would be a horrid place.

the update and other ramblings

again, I must apologize to myself for not writing more often. such a vicious cycle. but enough self-deprecation, I will attempt to move onto something with a bit more substance.

I posted a blog a few months ago about a friend who was in a terrible accident on his motorcycle and was in a coma. Here is the update: I was sitting at my desk yesterday doing whatever it is that I do at my desk, when my phone rang. I was scared when said friend's name appeared on the ID, afraid that it may be bad news. I certainly did not expect to hear his voice.

apparently, in the time that has elapsed since my last news of him, he has almost fully recovered. he is home from the hospital, progressing well with his physical therapy, and is, so far, mentally sound. The biggest relief was that he sounded like himself. He paused more between words, but for the massive amount of head trauma, I am surprised that he can even talk.

he remembers nothing of the accident, and his only worry is over what caused the crash. he has a sort of guilt complex, and wants to know if it was his fault. my advice was simple: he is better off not knowing. he does not need to feel guilty over it, nor does he need the anger and resentment over knowing that someone else put him through so much.

right now, he is off of all medication, and is only taking blood thinners for a clot that is forming in his leg. he has a few mending bones and ribs, but overall, he is fine, and i am relieved. it felt so good to hear his voice. such a difference from second hand information. it is terrible to think that someone so young and with so much more life to live may have either died or live in a persistent vegetative state.

he is going back to college tomorrow. that shocks me more than anything else. he insists that, while stressful, the mental exercise will help him recover more quickly.


in other news, football is in full swing. (American football, just so there is no confusion. i love soccer, too, but football season means only one thing: football)

I'll keep this brief: i am proud of my team. The ravens have played well so far, in spite of the massive problems that have plagued the team (injuries, two incapacitated quarterbacks, and having a rookie starting QB.) If they continue to play as well as they have been playing, I have no doubt that they will be a major contender for the post season. notice I say "post season." any person saying the actual name of the big game this early in the season is an idiot, and should be ashamed.

Last Saturday night was my high school reunion. five years has gone by rather quickly, and I now feel quite old. I was not popular in high school, mostly owing to the fact that I split my high school years between two schools, and at that age, two years is not long enough to make friends and move out of the "new kid" status. The good news is that this reunion gave me the chance to speak to some people that I never would have spoken to in school. I am always amazed at the changes that a person goes through between the ages of 16 and 25. in high school, everyone believes that they have life figured out, and yet most people have no true concept of self at that age.

in other news, have I mentioned that I broke my toe recently? I feel terrible complaining of pain in my little toe, but it actually hurts. If someone had complained to me about a similar pain a month ago, I would have laughed, but the truth is that this little bone fracture is causing me more pain that I expected. and shoes? forget it! its fine to walk on, but once I step into a shoe, the pain flares up and the swelling begins. it has been almost two weeks, and I hope the pain subsides soon.

I believe that is all of the news I have for now. stay tuned for either a posting of some artwork, or opinionated commentary on the economic status of America, depending on my mood.

as a (comical) side note, the last time I was shopping in New York, I found myself eating fantastic Swiss chocolate truffles from a place near the plaza hotel on 5th ave. I plan to visit New York again within the next month or two, perhaps I will have to treat myself again. Swiss chocolate is not my favorite, but I cannot resist that smooth, flawless texture that only Swiss chocolate has.

chocolate facts

some things i recently found out about chocolate. and we all know I love chocolate!!!

1. It is a known fact that chocolate has caffeine in it. But did you know that you would have to eat more then a dozen chocolate bars to get the same amount of caffeine from a cup of coffee? There are about 5 to 10 mg's of caffeine in one ounce of bitter chocolate, 5 mgs in milk chocolate, and 10mgs in a six-ounce cup of cocoa.

2. Chocolate is actually a valuable energy source. A single chocolate chip can provide enough energy for an adult human to walk 150 ft.

3. Chocolate has great health benefits. It helps with depression, high blood pressure, Tumors and Pre-menstrual syndromes.

4. Chocolate does not cause or aggravate acne, this is a myth.

5. One ounce of baking chocolate or cocoa contains 10% of the daily recommended intake of iron.

6. Chocolate can be deadly for dogs. Chocolate contains an ingredient called "Theobromine" which can be toxic to a dogs central nervous system and cardiac muscles.

7. People spend more than $7 billion dollars a year on chocolate.

8. The per capita consumption of chocolate indicates that each person consumes 12 pounds of chocolate each year.

9. Milk Chocolate is the most preferred type of chocolate, however dark chocolate is especially popular among men.

10. In Alfred Hitchcock's movie "Psycho" chocolate syrup was used to indicate blood in the famous shower scene.


source: http://www.infobarrel.com/10_Facts_about_Chocolate

9. Art, and, subsequently, my molskine project

little known fact about me: I paint. not only do I paint, I do all sorts of art, everything from pixels, vectors, water colors, charcoal, paper cutting, clay, acrylics, sewing, crocheting, and whatever else I can create with.

I am not vain enough to boast about my artwork, and most of it is a form of self-expression, but I have enough of an understanding about things like design and color theory to do pretty well for myself. Not to mention my love of studying art history and the different periods, styles, and masters. Ever since I could remember, I have had a brilliant eye for color. I still think I belong next to a printing press checking colors. I have a great appreciation for the subtleties of color and how pigments mix.

Lately, I have been playing with mixed media and paper cutting. I love to paint news print and create collages and paintings with it. I am forever obsessed with childish colors (not to mention painting childish subjects like my still-life of Mr. Potato Head for a painting class)

But I am just as inconsistent and lazy with my art as I am with writing (and if you read my blog, you understand exactly to what extent I am inconsistent with things that I enjoy doing...i.e. when is the last time I posted a blog?) so the problem exists that I can never make myself sit down and create something. therefore, art as neglect.

my new project is a moleskine notebook. on a whim, I bought a mini watercolor moleskine notebook, and I am trying to fill a page once a day. of course there have been gaps, but, having bought the book on 9/6/08, I have been pretty consistent, painting, sketching, or mod-podging a page almost every day so far. (we'll see how long that lasts). the best part about the book is that I can create small sketches before pulling out a canvas and spending all of my time on one big project. Big projects are daunting, so this allows me to get my ideas onto paper, and not have a mess and lost time.

not to mention, it is 100% portable. grab a brush or two, my watercolors, and the book, and im ready for a long weekend away from my desk.

So I love art, crafts, design, ect.


as a side note, perhaps i shall begin posting my moleskine pages as I finish them. hmmmm...

summer is over

well, summer is over, and while i dont have to go back to school because of that beautiful milestone we call "graduation" I still have a feeling of lost time. I think i wasted my summer. I am not sure yet what happens after summer when there is no school. It is uncharted territory. I have never had school-less post-summer activities.

maybe i should just start doing things that i put off doing all summer. perhaps, if i continue to allow my time to waste away, the rest of my life will turn into a wasted summer.

i have a new appreciation for the usefulness of school.

even if the work is boring or useless in itself, it is still soemthing that is to be done, and the assignments and subsequent deadlines are helpful.

so, since i didnt do half of what i wanted to do this summer, here are the ten things i wanted to do, and will try to do, even though it is no longer summer:

actually...lets be more optimistic. i'll start with things that i feel that i have accomplished, and then move on to what i want to do:

accomplished this summer:
1. decided to get married. picked the venue, colors, flowers, theme, ect.
2. re-upholstered a chair, my first experiment in re-upholstering. success.
3. wrote a single poem.
4. blogged. not alot, but enough to constitute having blogged.
5. went on many job interviews.
6. applied for countless jobs.
7. read a few books.
8. made a purse...that i am going to send to Heather because she likes it.
9. did some fun kitchen-type experiments.
10. played tennis and exercised. lost some weight

now, that isnt very reassuring, but here are the things i should have done, and will try to do:
1. get a job. successfully. and therefore make money.
2. paint some stuff. like canvases. why have i not painted this summer?
3. write something else. anything. story, poem, something.
4. read more.
5. keep a doodle blog. i am starting it today.
6. try linolium printing.
7. be more active, i.e. be more consistent with tennis and walks. even jog? maybe?
8. go to a concert soon. the lack of music is disheartening.
9. actually get married, move into new place, and start that whole aspect of life.
10. cook more.

there. now there are lists, that means everything will be easier, right? self-help books always say "start with a list" but i disagree. lists are a waste of time. you spend so much time making the list that you never check things off.

but they make me feel better. if nothing else, i have accomplished the list part of the activity.

I have begun to have a written pen-pal. a friend of mine moved to Chicago last week, and we have decided to actually try to keep in touch with that archaic method: snail mail. what a brilliant idea for a back formation. we never needed "snail mail" until "email" was invented. remember when "email" had a hyphen? been a while, hasnt it? remember when the "i" in apple products stood for "internet"? who would have thought that the internet would literally take over the world?

anyway, so I wrote my first letter to Heather (chicago chick) today. and i was suprised at how strange it felt to not have things like "delete/backspace" and a spell checker. I am a big advocate for writing things out before typing. even my papers in school were all written by hand before i typed them. i believe that the thought process is different, and that by combining writing with typing, you get the benefit of both processes. but mos of those written papers were just drafts, so i never had to worry about anyone else reading them. i always fell back on spell check and the ability to easily delete. i need to write more by hand. such an odious task...since when has writing become a chore to me?

hope

i was watching hopkins with troy tonight, and in light of recent events in my sphere of life, I was particularly struck by tonights episode.

first, a shameless plug for the show: "Hopkins" is not a reality tv show, it is actually a documentary about real patients and real doctors and about one of the best, most well-known hospitals in the world. all of the drama is real, it is real life and death, no producers stirring up trouble by putting a black gay guy and white supremacist in a hotel room together. it is one of the few things on television that i actually respect. (that is not to say that i dislike everything on television, we all know how i feel about scrubs..and south park.... but i actually respect hopkins as a representation of what is actually important in life, and not as a form of entertainment.)

thats out of the way....

on tonights episode, a young girl, 9 or so, fell into a pool at a party, and almost drowned. the poor thing lost the majority of her brain fuction, and dr. carson...yes THE dr. carson (who is a seventh day adventist, btw. how do we feel about that?) told the parents that she was not quite brain dead, but that she would never resume normal function or live off of life support.

the parents replied (understandably) that they could not take her off of life support because they dont want to murder their daughter. my problem is this: where have we come up with the idea that by taking someone off of life support, that we are killing them? what if there had been no life support? the first and most vital function of the brain is to keep the body working. if the brain cannot do that, then the body should die. that is nature, that is how our bodies are designed. now, i understand the parent's feelings, i really do. i know i would feel the same way, to a certain extent. especially with a child's life being at stake. but why do we feel that pulling that plug is playing god? is it any more playing god than taking a heart from a dead person and making another person live with it? is it any different than performing cpr?

the poor little girl eventually became completely brain dead, and was taken off of the support, and i feel that is probably the best for all parties involved. but will the parents feel inadequate for the rest of their lives because they "let" her die?

i guess it all comes down to control. we cannot control the weather, but we try to control everything else.



right now, i am worried about a friend of mine. we have no way of knowing yet how severe his brain damage will be. he just woke up from a 3-week coma. he is 21, and the strongest, most stubborn person i know. it has played with my mind lately, wondering what a person is made to live through horrible circumstances for. in hospitals, they have phrases like broccoli...meaning that a person is in a persistant vegitative state. not to say that my friend will end up like that, but for those millions of people on the planet who are in that state, why? in past eras, those people would have died a natural, death, not hung on through tons of money and painful surgery and life support. where is the line between person and body? is it right to keep a person alive if we know they could never survive without the respiratior, or without the constant care of a person?

how much of it is keeping our own conscience clean? how much is it the doctors who get a pay check from insurance companies and reposessed houses that used to belong to these people?

and the real questions:

how much would i want to be sustained through? would i want my loved ones to suffer a short time for losing me, or would i rather they spend all of their time and money in a hospital room with me even if i dont know they are there?

i dont believe that these questions have a right or wrong answer, but, like everything else, they tear my mind assunder when they actually break the surface and float among my other fears and worry.

on a more positive note, i am hopeful. i am also glad that there are so many things to be happy about that even the most tragic and terrible events only last long enough to make me think and therefore improve myself through introspection. is that selfish? no, i think its how life is supposed to be. of we were all supposed to feel every ounce of suffering and injustice all the time, we would know nothing but pain. and there is so much more to life than pain, or at least i like to think there is.


i have a new appreciation for those people i do not see enough of.