hope

i was watching hopkins with troy tonight, and in light of recent events in my sphere of life, I was particularly struck by tonights episode.

first, a shameless plug for the show: "Hopkins" is not a reality tv show, it is actually a documentary about real patients and real doctors and about one of the best, most well-known hospitals in the world. all of the drama is real, it is real life and death, no producers stirring up trouble by putting a black gay guy and white supremacist in a hotel room together. it is one of the few things on television that i actually respect. (that is not to say that i dislike everything on television, we all know how i feel about scrubs..and south park.... but i actually respect hopkins as a representation of what is actually important in life, and not as a form of entertainment.)

thats out of the way....

on tonights episode, a young girl, 9 or so, fell into a pool at a party, and almost drowned. the poor thing lost the majority of her brain fuction, and dr. carson...yes THE dr. carson (who is a seventh day adventist, btw. how do we feel about that?) told the parents that she was not quite brain dead, but that she would never resume normal function or live off of life support.

the parents replied (understandably) that they could not take her off of life support because they dont want to murder their daughter. my problem is this: where have we come up with the idea that by taking someone off of life support, that we are killing them? what if there had been no life support? the first and most vital function of the brain is to keep the body working. if the brain cannot do that, then the body should die. that is nature, that is how our bodies are designed. now, i understand the parent's feelings, i really do. i know i would feel the same way, to a certain extent. especially with a child's life being at stake. but why do we feel that pulling that plug is playing god? is it any more playing god than taking a heart from a dead person and making another person live with it? is it any different than performing cpr?

the poor little girl eventually became completely brain dead, and was taken off of the support, and i feel that is probably the best for all parties involved. but will the parents feel inadequate for the rest of their lives because they "let" her die?

i guess it all comes down to control. we cannot control the weather, but we try to control everything else.



right now, i am worried about a friend of mine. we have no way of knowing yet how severe his brain damage will be. he just woke up from a 3-week coma. he is 21, and the strongest, most stubborn person i know. it has played with my mind lately, wondering what a person is made to live through horrible circumstances for. in hospitals, they have phrases like broccoli...meaning that a person is in a persistant vegitative state. not to say that my friend will end up like that, but for those millions of people on the planet who are in that state, why? in past eras, those people would have died a natural, death, not hung on through tons of money and painful surgery and life support. where is the line between person and body? is it right to keep a person alive if we know they could never survive without the respiratior, or without the constant care of a person?

how much of it is keeping our own conscience clean? how much is it the doctors who get a pay check from insurance companies and reposessed houses that used to belong to these people?

and the real questions:

how much would i want to be sustained through? would i want my loved ones to suffer a short time for losing me, or would i rather they spend all of their time and money in a hospital room with me even if i dont know they are there?

i dont believe that these questions have a right or wrong answer, but, like everything else, they tear my mind assunder when they actually break the surface and float among my other fears and worry.

on a more positive note, i am hopeful. i am also glad that there are so many things to be happy about that even the most tragic and terrible events only last long enough to make me think and therefore improve myself through introspection. is that selfish? no, i think its how life is supposed to be. of we were all supposed to feel every ounce of suffering and injustice all the time, we would know nothing but pain. and there is so much more to life than pain, or at least i like to think there is.


i have a new appreciation for those people i do not see enough of.