1. Troy

Troy is my top item to be thankful for. I feel that it is especially important right now that I speak about him and remember why he is the number one item on my list.

he is in ecuador. i am home. I have all sorts of trepidation about him right now because of this hateful trip. I feel that discussing all of the reasons I love and am thankful for him will help me to get over this horrible fear and depression I have been struggling with.


Troy and I overcame diversity from the very beginning of our relationship. I was afraid to give him a chance, and we eventually ended up dating (after he had to wiggle and squirm his way into finally admitting thathe was interested in me). We were only together for a week or so when my Ex, who I still believed myself to have feelings for, came into the picture and aksed me to take him back. My "what if" complex broke the one-week bliss of having troy, and i knew that if i didnt give the ex a last shot, i would never be happy and satisfied with troy.

the three weeks that I gave mr Ex a fresh start turned out to be terrible. a disaster. I couldnt have asked for a better result. For the first time in my toubled past with this particulr ex, I dumped him, and felt a sense of relief and happiness that i had not felt in years.

that night I told troy that i wanted him back and that I was in it 100%. I explained to him that all of my baggage was taken care of, i was no longer afraid of him, or afraid that I was making the wrong choice. I had a whole new appreciation for him.


to back up a little bit, because i need to record the story of us formally anyway, I first met Troy at my student orientation at community college. He didnt remember this at first, but now he recalls that he actually arranged for me to be in his tour group because he thought i was "cute". anyone having seen me that day would tell you that i was not cute, but pissed off, in a bad mood, and wearing all black on a sunny fall day.

at any rate, i remember asking him about literary magazines and news papers. he told me about bittersweet, and the editor of it, who would eventually become the dreaded "ex" discussed above. I would take troy's advice and join the literary club, fall for the editor, and not only date him, but also become the editor myself.

Troy would later tell me that, while i always remembered and noticed him, he would only remember me as "mike's girlfriend"

I remember a few times of running into him in the great hall, or watching him clean the tables in the cafe (he was the head of the college's housekeeping crew at the time) and watching him bend over the tables. i remember when he finally stopped shaving his head and how much cuter he was with hair. I remember seeing him the first week of class, and feeling relieved because i "technically" knew someone. I remember hearing stories about him and wondering what he was like, but never having a reason to talk to him. so I dated mike, and just went along my way.


until one day when i would run into troy in the great hall at school. he was talking to a good friend of mine, who, in passing, would ask me how mike was doing. I would reply "that asshole?" and a whole new world of ideas would open up in troy's mind.


he admits to using my friend to get to me. he would turn down my offers to hang out, but eventually run into me at applebees, and we would hang out a few days later. he not only used my friend (xtian) to get to me, but also my love for writing. he asked me to look over his writing, and then to ask me to help him with a writing project. it was that project that would eventually get me to his house alone on a friday night, sitting and talking until some late hour, and then to his house on several other occasions, and then to dinner on valentines day.

he used to give me back massages. all the time. im not sure how he did it, but he managed to get me to pull my shirt all the way up my back and let him sit on my lower back and just massage me. oil, candles, ect. amazing. i he would be rubbing my back, and i would be dreaming about him bending over and kissing me.

but i was afraid to kiss him once we finally started dating. between him and mike, there was a rash of random, not attractive, but avaliable guys in my life. a chef, a server, a master electrician, a musician, ect. the last guy i dated before troy was a 23 year old amazing guy who happened to be really awkward in dealings with women. he scared me for life. he was what made me afraid and avoid all possibilities of dating/kissing troy. i was afraid of awkardness. I was afraid that, if troy kissed me, it would ruin him for me. so i avioided it until i couldnt any more. until he finally sat on his floor one day while i was laying on the couch, and he asked me if he could finally be allowed to kiss me. what was i going to do? i coldnt say no.

and that would start a butterflies in my belly obsession with kissing him. from that day, there would be no end to it. i would never want to stop. i blush thinking about it (2 years later). things were great.

and then the fiasco with mike the "ex". but we were stronger after that. we really were. I remember having lunch with troy every friday at panera. i remember spending more time with him than with the "ex" while i was dating him. and "the ext" didnt seem to care. finally, after a talk with the "ex" i came to the conclusion that I was unhappy and being incredibly stupid. I wanted troy. I wanted him more than anything I had ever wanted in my life.

So I asked him to take me back. we had argued and avoided each other and been mean to each other, made each other cry while i took the ex back, but it all faded away.

and these have been the best two years of my life.


top 10 reasons I love troy:
1. he understands me and I understand him. we are best friends, not just boyfriend and girlfriend. we agree on things and fight, but not about major things. we get along perfectly.
2. i love him physically. just by rubbing my arm or holding my hand, he can make everything okay. im convinced that my anger and depression with him being gone is the result of him not being here to touch me. we can lay together and just sleep comfortably.
3. he has the same goals that i have. marriage, kids, how to raise kids, money, travel, continue education. we both find the same things important. we have the same ideas about teaching and pushing our kids. we both want the same thigns for a wedding, the same type of house. we agree on foods, like the same styles, movies, music. peas in an ipod, so to speak.
4. he loves me. there is a certain amount of trust that comes along with knowing that a person loves you so much. i do not doubt him. i do not worry that he is with/much less looking at another woman. i know that, in spite of my insecurities, i am the one for him. i know he would do anythign for me.
5. he encourages me. he wants me to be the best at whatever i can. he wants me to push myself and loves my accomplishments. he is proud of me, and it shows. but he also worries about me and helps me along the way. I do/feel all of the same things about him.
6. he isnt selfish. he gives and takes and makes sacrifices. he always considers my opinion. he listens to me, in general, which is amazing.
7. we communicate. i am never afraid to talk to him about things. i know he wil listen, and even if we fight, it only lasts a little while.
8. he is beautiful. i never imagined that i would love a fuzzy guy, but now i know that, without the fuzz, he wouldnt be mine. i love how soft his hands are and the orangeish ness of his eyes in the light. i love that strip of hair betwen his wrist and pinkie finger. his little heart shaped lips, his bubble butt, his belly, his smell, his bad breath in the morning.
9. he is going somewhere. i dont need to motivate him. he is not afraid to get up early, or to apply for a job, or to better himself in one way or another. he has goals and wants to be great.
10. all of those reasons combined, along with others that i wont mention here. add to it his pride, family, humbleness, shyness, little kid qualities, his smile, and just the general way he makes me feel.


i know that whatever problems i have with him right now, all of the things that are bothering me about this trip, i know that just his presence will make it better. just feeing him hold my hand will fix it all.