I need you to need me

During my two days of chaotic depression (caused by not hearing from Troy when I expected to hear from him) I had quite a bit of time to think about our relationship, but not as much as I learned after speaking to him two nights in a row.

The first night troy called me was Saturday night. He was happy and rearing to go. He said he didn’t miss home, he was having fun, making friends, and generally having fun. That’s all I wanted to hear, right? He was safe, happy, not stressed. I thought so too, but something interesting happened when I got off the phone after a too expensive and too short phone conversation: I found myself suddenly upset with him for being so happy. Left field. It took me a few hours to dissect the anger and understand where it came from and why. In fact, it was not until a few hours ago that I finally managed to speak to Troy again and gain a full appreciation for what my anger meant.

The first call gave me the impression that I was not important, that he could easily and happily survive anywhere with or without me. I felt expendable. Like an employee or aggravating obligation. Hearing the happiness in his voice and the rushed tone of one who is paying $2 a minute for a call did not give me the impression that he wanted to call. I realize now that this was all in my head, but honestly, the circumstances speak for themselves. Here I am, depressed and unable to function because I miss him so much, and there he is, having a blast in a beautiful country. How would anyone else feel?

The second call was a little more of what I was prepared for. He was angry with his boss and needed comforting: a role for me to play, a need for me to fill, a reason to be missed. I immediately jumped into a 3-minute version of my normal comforting and reassuring mode. He called me not out of duty, but because he needed me.

This speaks more about human nature as a whole than about my relationship with Troy. We need to be needed. It took me a while to give in to this humanly urge when I was younger, but now I see that needing someone is not a sign of weakness or of girlyness, but a general human behavior. Biology, if you will. It is okay to let someone hold the door for you. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be depressed because you miss someone.

There is nothing worse than being surrounded by an unsympathetic, anti-emotional family when you are hurting and sad. I think my fear of needing someone is a product of my mother pushing me to be as cold and independent as she is. I do not want to be like that. Crying over someone is miserable, but not crying over them would be worse. I could not imagine going through my day without Troy and being glad that he is gone, or not wanting him to come back, or even just not caring. What is a relationship for if the members of said relationship are not attached or important to one another?

So I will continue to want Troy to be happy. Just because he is having a good time does not mean that he doesn’t need me, or that he will abandon me to live out the rest of his life in South America. I know he will not leave me. I know that he will come back changed, a different person because of his experience in Ecuador, but that person will still be the person I love, and not someone to avoid or fear.

I do wish the calls could last a little bit longer though. It takes the first minute for me to get over the shock of speaking to him, then the second minute is him talking to me, and I get a minute to talk to him with my long-winded inability to form a sentence, and then that’s it. But Its almost over. Not really. He hasn’t even been gone a week out of the three yet. But its gonna fly by. I hope.