the time we have

My life has been frantic. Between school and work and getting ready for troy to leave, I have felt not stressed, but hectic. I told Troy last night that I feel as though I have him on loan until he gets back from Ecuador. I do. We can never just do nothing together, it seems that every second that I see him is planned, or squeezed in and fleeting.

Super bowl and fiction reading at UB, a show downtown, seeing his dad, going out last weekend, and then squeezing in a few hours after school and work is rough when you know that you will only have someone for a very short period of time. I am heartbroken that I will not get to see him at all on Monday and Tuesday before he leaves. All I have is Wednesday, which we all know is a useless day.

We plan to spend Wednesday in DC as an early Valentines day, since he leaves on the real valentines day. But the weather gods do not seem like ones to want to favor us. Various Weathermen are calling for snow and rain. I guess we’ll find out.

TO ease the loneliness I have been feeling, and the weight I have been gaining, I decided to take a walk. I have been too lazy lately, so I tried a new tactic: canine motivation. “Cody, you wanna go for a walk?” Once I get the words out there is no turning back or changing my mind. He will bark, whine, and scratch at my bedroom door. Besides, the excitement in his eyes and wag of his tail would not let me deny him a walk once I put the idea in his head.

The walk did everything I wanted it to do. I feel a little more energetic and a little less lonely. Sometime, you are wrapped up in what is going on in life and the people around you that just something as simple as a walk can seem useless and trite. But it is therapeutic. Just the act of moving, of being alone and quiet and hearing birds sing and water flow in the creek can calm me. I forgot about all of that. Where have I gone, the person who enjoys exercise and physical movement? Where is the soccer playing, swimming, hockey-loving chick that I used to be?

I think my school ate her.

I want to at least take more walks while Troy is gone. Not only because I want to lose some weight, but because I will need the calming effect of a long walk to calm me. I can’t remember how it was when he went to Mexico two summers ago. Was I constantly lonely? Did I cry often? I had more friends then. Ashley and Jeremy and Jacqueline and Kevin and Christian, and Brandon, and Denise.

Are friends as permanent as I think they are? I really cannot say that, with troy gone, if I needed someone; I would know who to call. I suppose I would call Ashley, but I know she is stressed and has her own problems. Do I lack something by not having a set group of girlfriends? I wouldn’t find time for them if I had them, so I don’t think I am missing anything. Every now and then I come across a female that I know I would get along with, but its as if I have forgotten how to interact with another girl. Once Niff went away, I lost that. I miss her a lot. I don’t know that I would admit that out loud, but I miss having her around. It was easier when she wasn’t a mom. Once the gap closes, there are so many reasons not to call someone. If nothing else, there is the distance. You are no longer a part of that person’s life; you do not know what is going on. You don’t understand their daily interactions, they have to explain things to you. Re-visits and catch-up’s aren’t easy. That’s why I tend to avoid them. I have let so many people go that I find it easier to do that now. It is easier to forget how much fun they were than to schedule times to hang out or find a way to rearrange our schedule for a lunch date. How do we find time for people that we see all the time? Why is it that a little bit of distance makes everything so much harder?

I like to blame school. But I slack enough to find time to do all sorts of useless things…like writing a blog…but why cant I find time to just chill and take a walk?

Speaking of slacking, I need to write a paper before class today. Not to mention I need to work on and complete that “big project” that I really hope isn’t just a disappointment in the end. I hope it is appreciated for what it is and enjoyed the way that I intend.